Well... You have to start somewhere! In what will be my first step towards becoming supreme ruler of the planet, I have come to an earth shattering decision. I have decided to form my own Mission Statement (much like Jerry Mcquire, but naturally he's a much better looking man) in which I leave my current job and pursue my destiny. That's right, I've learned all that I can from the ninetofive machine and am about to strike out on my own with marketing skills in hand. In my complete and unabridged version, I outline the details of how I will begin by preying on the weak and stupid (this is where the background in marketing will come in handy). The beauty of the plan is, of course, in its simplicity! Check this out: The weak and stupid are a dime a dozen The weak and stupid (furthermore to be know simply as "The Was") are not worthy of pity and therefore the guilt I world normally feel as a properly raised Catholic will be minimal. There is an absolutely enormous pool of The Was to choose from. This is what we call "Target Marketing" and ... GEEZ, What a target! Kinna like killing flies with nuclear weapons. The Was tend to congregate together in easy to target groups. This is a product of their herding instinct which acts as a kind of defense against predatory animals.( A good example of this behavior is America On-Line) It will cost me nothing. You, dear reader, are among the chosen few that are privy to my plan. This lends you the unique opportunity to beat the rush and pay homege to me now. Imagine telling your great grandchildren that you knew me before I ruled the planet! Don't worry, I'll make sure that you are all "well taken care of". Unabridged Statements follow: THE VISION STATEMENT To become supreme ruler of the planet. To eradicate behavior that I find unacceptable in the human race. To be somewhat objective in the decision of what to eradicate... well, maybe... who care's, I'm ruling the damn place, let 'em eat cake. Decide what sounds better: "Emporer" or "King". To pour myself another cocktail by the time I get to the "Mission Statement". THE MISSION STATEMENT (Rum & Cola... Make it a double!) Since all great empires were built from the ground up, I must begin small and prey on the weak and stupid. Fortunately the population of The WAS is both easy to manipulate and, above all, LARGE! Controlling their population alone will be enough to crowbar my way into world domination. (Note: Even smart people will begin to doubt their own beliefs when faced with the sheer numbers of people that will tell them they're wrong. This doubt will eventually fester in the smart ones until enough of their brain is eaten up to make them a member of The WAS pool.) It all begins with helping The WAS to part with their hard earned money. Lets face it, having supreme power is going to take some spending cash and I certainly won't have the time to actually WORK FOR IT! So we implement "Plan A" in which I relieve The WAS from the extra burden of having money. I will start by targeting the following two groups (who were kind enough to paint targets on their chests): anybody@AOL.com That's right, "AOLers", every single damn one of them. I will use the internet as my tool ('cause I have already made the investment in a dial up account) and attach them right where they live. Anybody that has ever referred to themselves as a "Netizen". Get a freakin' grip wouldya?! You are beginning to confuse your computer with THE WORLD! Alright, so I send an e-mail to everbody that has an AOL account and will build a database of people that have ever used the word Netizen in an e-mail message. This will accidentally envelop people that were making fun of the so called "Netizens", but they will be the ones that are too smart to get caught in the first phase of Plan A anyway. The E-mail will offer them everything they have always dreamed about and they will never have to leave their computer. No, I'm not talking about another porno site, I'm talking about "A Family Life"... kind of a Waltons sort of thing. Since many of these people are already beginning to think of their computers as "Kin", it won't be too much of a stretch to convince them that they need nothing else (That's right Jethro@AOL.com, I'm talking to YOU). Here's how it works: I offer them all of the comforts of "Being with the family" right on their desktop. Since we're around the Joyeaux Holiday Season, the run of the mill AOLer or Netizen is gonna be ripe for the pickin'. They will send me money for this comfort and I will occasionally send them a form letter (e-mail) pretending that I know they're alive. I'm thinking that for an added touch of class I will even send them a picture of a Yule Log burnin' in the Hearth on Christmas eve (via E-mail, of course). Ahhhh... can't you just picture it in your mind... sitting in front of your beloved computer... basking in the glow of the "firelight"... huddled around for warmth on this cold winter's evening... sigh... it kind of makes you really appreciate these special moments doesn't it?! For this I will be rewarded handsomely. For an extra fee, I can belittle them and create a "Dysfunctional Family Unit" for them. This is a job for which I am extremely well suited and will also enjoy immensly. While they are feasting on their Christmas dinners (a sack of Ripples potato chips next to the computer) I can send messages asking why they've never done anything with their lives. I will follow up with things like "You're Weak!" and "You're Stupid!" (kind of ironic isn't it!) For this I will be rewarded handsomely. I will begin to stockpile cash in large quantities. I will begin to gain the trust of The WAS (after all, I'm family now). It is only a matter of time now. Have a nice day, The Emporer

December 12, 1997

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